Just a little devastation...

I feel bad because it seems as though all of my posts for the last little while have seemed a bit depressing. It's so not like me, to be sad. Maybe for a day, but it never lasts. I pride myself on my optimism and my faith. I am usually so good at getting over things, moving onto the next thing and KNOWING that no matter what happens, our family will find happiness if we choose it. But something has happened recently. My faith has been tested maybe more than it's ever been. I don't want to get into the details but I just feel like I've witnessed so many lives crumble to the ground right before my eyes. Lives of people who are SO good, SO faithful, SO righteous. People who pray with faith to move mountains and never really get what they're asking for. It's just the world around me, and I know it. It's not God cursing his people and it's not the people asking for the wrong things. It almost never is. It's the plan. I know that. I've always known that. It's been engrained in me since I was a child. Something I was born with and have always known.

Things work out.

However, some things just don't work out. Some things you plan on and expect as a part of the next step in life and then life lets you down. A part of that for me has been trying to get pregnant for the last 5 months. We were so tentative at first, thinking Ellie wasn't ready for a sibling. We talked it over several times wondering how she would deal with another body in the house that would take attention away from her. We worried over it, thought twice about it, but did it anyway, knowing it would all work out. We tried that first month thinking for sure it would happen! Ellie came without a moments notice. I tell people I was like the virgin Mary, all I had to do was THINK about getting pregnant and she magically appeared. Immaculate conception, I tell you. But that first month came with no signs of pregnancy, and I guess I felt a little disappointed..

Second month came and try, try again! I was still so optimistic thinking I just needed to get into the groove of things. Think pregnant and you'll BE pregnant!!

But alas, no baby.

Third month came and same thing, only this time it was followed by a large amount of bleeding. Odd, I thought. I went to the doctor to make sure everything was okay. After a couple of ultrasounds and tests the doctor concluded everything looked fine! My uterus was happy and I was happy! Maybe it was a miscarriage, I thought. I've never bled like that before....

Fourth month and I was a little apprehensive. After the month before I was a little nervous thinking maybe there was something wrong and he just didn't see it?? But he DID give us the go ahead sign, so as my friend Brooke says we "hopped on the right foot and did the bad thing!"

"No baby this month either darling," I softly whispered to Chris one morning. The discouragement started weighing in...

Fifth month, to date. October 13th, 2010. Early morning sunshine and I was feeling so hopeful. I had been so emotional this month, more than normal! AND OH SO HUNGRY! I would wake up at odd hours and want to eat, surely I must be pregnant I thought. Chris urged me to just take a test! "Don't wait," he said. "Do it while I'm here!" So we waited and waited, those long 2 minutes just couldn't go quicker. I changed Ellie's diaper and he came into the room.."What if it has a faint line coming in ?" he said..I ran into the bathroom and there it was. The double line I had been looking for!!! "I'm PREGNANT!!" I said! We screamed and jumped and sobbed and just held each other. Finally we did it! I KNEW I was pregnant.

I just knew it.

A couple days passed and the symptoms slowly started to fade. Hmmmm...That's kinda weird. I tested again, just to be sure..

Negative.

Huh? Another test.

Negative.

I rolled into the other room to tell Chris. "I'm not pregnant anymore" I said. "What? Yes you are! A line is a line you said. No false positives" You're right I thought. There's no such thing as a false positive. I must be pregnant still. Those tests DID sit in the hot car for a while after I bought them. Maybe they're just broken..

Sunday, October 17th, baby Johnson gone. I called the doctor and told her what had happened. "Can you even have a miscarriage this early on in your pregnancy?" I asked. "It happens all the time" she said. She proceeded to caution me, tell me what pills to take and to wait another 6 weeks before we try again, and a whole lotta other nonsense that brushed right over my head..It was all a muffled mess by then. Like I was listening to waves inside a seashell. The sobs came. My stomach ached, in more ways than one. I had never had cramps like this before. They were almost unbearable, but maybe it was just because I missed my unborn child. The child I had been waiting for.

Chris laid his hands on my head that evening and gave me a priesthood blessing. Probably one of the more sacred experiences either one of us has ever had. I've never felt my angel baby closer and I KNEW that he/she would come to me again. He promised me they would, and I believed it.

Sometimes we just don't get it. We don't understand, we can't see it, but we feel something. Something is there that we can't explain. Just like this little angel that slipped away in the quiet, misty morning on a beautiful Sunday-I don't understand now. I know that I will. Everything has it's time and it's place and I am SO lucky this has happened now, and not later. I think about my sweet sister-in-law who has lost her baby at 24 weeks. A perfectly formed, breathing beautiful son with fingers, hair, a heartbeat..a name. Why should I cry over this tiny little seed that has barely been planted, and saved from a world of hurt?? I shouldn't cry. I should be happy knowing at another date and time, things will be better for us. The world wasn't ready for you yet little angel dear. You have so much to give, and the world just wasn't ready.

Maybe mommy and daddy weren't even ready..All I know is Heavenly Father knows when your time will come, and it surely will and when it does, we will be here with open arms ready to hold you.

We'll wait for you, here. Your sister misses you already. Come back soon baby mine and may God's angels protect you and keep you safe until we meet again.

I love you.